Ikey's Ideas

What’s Toxic?

What is ‘toxic’, really?  In PGH, we toss around the word everywhere—”sana hindi toxic sa ER”, “ang toxic ng duty kagabi!”, “toxic-magnet siya“—like it’s some inevitable reality we can’t escape no matter how hard we try.  For many people the aversion to being toxic can be enough to bind them together, like soldiers in battle.  We go around feeling blessed when we can avoid toxicity, and then lament our lousy luck when we’re put through enough hardship and discomfort to qualify a duty as exactly that.  But is that really all toxicity is?  Passing discomfort?  A temporary shove into a realm outside of our comfort zones? All duties end and post-duty days always come to save us (however briefly), so really, what’s wrong with being toxic?

Three weeks ago, I was in the midst of the lowest point in 4+ years of medical school.  Barely functioning as the lone Intern of Gen Ped 4 with the weight of 15 patients on my back, sliding on a Clerk-less duty schedule that put me on ward duty every other day for a week, I was redefining my personal interpretation of what ‘toxic’ meant on a daily basis.  It wasn’t fun.  It wasn’t enjoyable.  It was trying, dragging, humbling, numbing and exhausting.  And yet, here I am on the other side.  Living to tell the tale while shaking my head and with a smile on my face.  If for nothing else, it makes for a good Internship war story.

It’s obvious why regular people want to avoid being toxic.  Who really chooses to put themselves through painful and frustrating situations?  Yet for me, the irony of all of this is that we’re complaing in the first place.  We aren’t regular people.  We’re gifted.  We’re compassionate.  We’re doctors in the making who are crazy enough to dive head first into the deep end of a profession that is by nature toxic, years before we even get to be officially called ‘Dr.’.  Late night emergency calls, demanding patients, life-or-death situations are just a few of the uncomfortable situations that could well define our careers in the decades to come.  If we’re not used to toxic now, maybe all it takes is a tweaked mindset to get around it: it’s not toxic, it’s challenging.  In the same way that professional athletes do rep after rep in the gym, practice day in and day out to refine their skills, our course through PGH is much the same.  The heavy lifting we do in the wards will sculpt and strengthen us down the road.  Don’t shy await from the weight, just think of how much stronger you will be once you can lift it.

Just something to think about.  Down with toxic.  Here’s to accepting the challenge.